Things all B-Movies Share

So I was watching a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, one that featured the David Winters film Space Mutiny, and as I listened to the MST boys I thought about some of the things most B-Movies seem to have, so I decided I had some time before bed, why enjoy my time playing NHL 15 on PS4 when I can write a short article to share with you guys?  So here it goes, things that I think most B-Movies share.

When cars explode they suddenly turn into a different car.  What do I mean?  Well, in many movies when a car explodes if you watch carefully, sometimes that coupe is a sedan or vice versa.

If it’s a pre 90’s horror movie, the first couple to have sex dies.

If there is a gun fight in a building or outside of a building with bad guys on catwalks or balcony’s get ready to see some railing kills! Whats a railing kill? A staple of low budget action films, in these films for some reason every person that is shot seems to fall over the railing to the ground level, so if the gun shot doesn’t get them, the sudden stop at the bottom will.

Much like what was mentioned in the movie scream, in many older low budget horror films, if someone says, “I’ll be right back” they’ll be the next death scene.

Brakes never seem to work, in many movies the good guy is shooting at the car but doesn’t hit the driver, hell sometimes he’s not even shooting, maybe just dropping things in front of the other car.  For some reason the bad guy then drives off the road, the cliff or into a river and there is never a brake applied.

Explosions from multiple angles. You’ll see the same structure or car blown up from multiple angles, sometimes it happens so much you wonder just how many cars or buildings they blew up!

over use of human catapults.  I really don’t know the proper name, I’ve heard pneumatic catapult as well, but these babies really launch the bad guys minions when there’s an explosion.  You’ll see two, three, maybe even four bad guys flying through the air with the greatest of ease because of these baby’s.

Squealing tires on a dirt road, this isn’t something you see so much as hear, and frankly I’ve heard it in non B-Movies as well, the good or bad guy floors the gas and the cars tires spin squealing as they make their getaway.  That’s fine, except tires don’t squeal on a dirt road.  I’ve done it they really don’t.  So to all the directors out there, figure something else out will ya?

Airplane tires rarely squeal on touchdown.  How do I know?  Because I worked an airport for 21 years and was outside and near runways plenty of times when the touched down, you see the smoke and smell the rubber, but that loud squeal in the movies that happens every time?  I may have hear a handful of times while working there.

Lasers do not sound like drills. Yup, the bad guy fires up his laser to torture someone or cut through a door and its sounds like a Makita drill.  Sadly that doesn’t happen either, at most there would be some sort of hum emitted due to the electronics and voltage, not a mechanical motor sound.

Stuck on a roof with no where to run?  Jump into the dumpster!  Of course this one is in big budget movies as well.  I was always suspect of this one, and the Mythbusters did say it was plausible, but really the odds of finding a dumpster with nothing hard in it to jump into in most cities are slim.  You may still get lucky but I wouldn’t count on it.   Unless you’re on the roof of a factory that throws out nothing but foam padding.

Escaping the bad guys by jumping into a pool, yeah used in major motion pictures also, this one is pretty much false maybe unless you’re on the first floor.  water doesn’t compress so what do you think happens when that meatbag of a body hits the pool from the 4th floor?  Yup, even if you survive you aren’t just hoping out of the pool and walking away.

So there’s my list, I’m sure I’ve missed some so why not leave yours in the comments here or on the facebook page https://www.facebook.com/attackofthebmovies?

Thanks for reading and remember if you like it please share it with your friends, families, hell even your pets!

-John

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